Will’s father Toloke was cared for by Hospice West Auckland in 2022. Here he shares with us insights into his father’s life and the support that Hospice was able to provide.
Originally from Tonga, Toloke and his family emigrated to settle in West Auckland, where he became a prominent member of New Lynn’s Tongan Methodist Church. He was integral in helping many other Pacific peoples to settle in West Auckland and welcoming them into the supportive church community. Over the years the close-knit congregation grew significantly and today has more than five hundred members. “Dad was very much about integrity and his faith,” says his son Will. “He believed in his faith and the people around him.”
As the eldest of nine siblings, Toloke was a leader both in his family and in the Tongan community. “In our Tongan culture we have an ulu motu’a, which translates to ‘old head’, and he was that person who would lead the traditions any occasion, be it a funeral or birthday – he was that person for the whole church,” explains Will. “He would make sure everyone was ok and things were done correctly, he was the one everyone looked to. He carried the Tongan traditions and customs and held so much mana in that so his loss has been difficult.”
Toloke was a mechanic by trade with a strong work ethic, and people were drawn to his quiet, considered nature. “He was a well-loved man,” says Will. “He didn’t say much, but when he did talk people would listen. He had friends everywhere, and he led by example.”
Will was always very close with his dad. As an adult, Will has been fortunate to travel for sport and work opportunities. He has lived in Australia and England as well as Tonga, where he opened a thriving backpackers and restaurant. “We were lucky because Dad would come to Tonga too – he helped us to build our home there,” says Will. “It gave us the chance to hang out differently and we became even closer spending that time together. It was great to have him there, being a part of our home, the backpackers, and the restaurant. I was so lucky because he got to see me emulating what he had done by building my life – he could really watch me grow as an adult.” It also gave Will a real appreciation for where his parents had come from, their happy childhood memories and enduring love for the island nation.
Over time, Will found that the pull to home ties became stronger. When Covid hit, he immediately returned to New Zealand with his partner and 6-month-old baby, entering the country on one of the last flights before lockdown. “Dad had been sick for a while but that was the start of his condition really deteriorating, so it was something of a silver lining because we were able to be here in New Zealand with him and Mum,” says Will.
Will stayed with his family in a separate dwelling at his parents’ place, and, because they were not initially in the same lockdown bubble, they had to keep their distance at the beginning. “We would come up to the window to show Mum and Dad our baby,” he remembers. “Sometimes we would eat at a long table outside – we’d bring our own food and eat at opposite ends of the table. It seems weird now, but because they were elderly and vulnerable we did everything we were advised to keep them safe.”
With Toloke’s condition deteriorating, Will says he’s very grateful that circumstances allowed him to be there. “My brother was stuck in South Auckland and my sister was in Melbourne so we had to zoom all the time,” he explains. “Dad was getting sicker and it was very hard for them not to physically be there. I know they felt fortunate that at least I was there in person.”
In typically stoic fashion, Toloke masked his symptoms well and rarely complained. “He only really let us know when it was super painful,” says Will. The last couple of months he began going into hospital more, and that was when Hospice became involved. “It was getting harder to take him to hospital, so when Hospice stepped in and provided medication for us to give him at home and coordinated everything that dad needed, it was support that we really needed. It was just seamless.”
As well as managing Toloke’s symptoms, Hospice looked at his mobility and organised a hospital bed as well as other essential equipment. “At that time there was a huge shortage of nursing staff at hospital, and Dad really just wanted to be supported to stay at home. Hospice gave us that,” says Will. Thankfully by then Covid travel restrictions had eased and Will’s siblings were able to join the family.
“Hospice really came into their own in those last couple of weeks, constantly checking in to see how Dad was,” says Will. “We had a lot of family at the house, and the Hospice team would come in like ninjas – they’d do their thing and then disappear. They wouldn’t disrupt anything; they’d just help and support. Even from a cultural perspective, they would let the family do what we needed to, while ensuring Dad was comfortable and as supported as possible. They were always on call and made everything easy and simple but never intrusive. They’d reassure you with what you needed to know – it was comforting to have someone there to tell us what we needed to know. They were with us right until the end.”
Just ten days before Toloke passed, Will’s partner had their second baby. “It was weird because everyone was mourning but I had this beautiful reason to celebrate,” he says. “In some ways it was a distraction and something to fill that void. Dad held my baby once – he said a big prayer, some of the grandkids were around and even though he was so weak it was really special. He’d always said he would wait for her, and it seemed like he did because he passed away two days later.”
Will says that Hospice navigated seamlessly through Toloke’s very large extended family, empowering them to take care of him as much as possible but adding that extra layer of support and guidance whenever it was needed. “We had so much support from Hospice, as well as our community and family that it was as perfect as it could be,” he says. “We’re so thankful to Hospice for guiding us through what was best for Dad and our family. They provided an extended support network full of information we weren’t aware of. They alleviated so much stress in that very stressful time. Because of them, Mum could just be with Dad and that we could support him and look after him. They were exceptional.”
